Tuesday, November 11, 2014

What everyone told me about 3....and why we did it anyway.

You'll be exhausted and never sleep again. Everything is uneven, the world is built for families of 4. The middle child will feel left out. Can you handle three so young? Wow, I've only ever seen you pregnant the past 5 years.... all things said to me with the announcement of Legris #3, pregnancy #5.

Yep that last one got me, because it's pretty much true. Since 2009 I have been pregnant, nursing, or recovering. I wanted children so bad, so bad that it hurt when I couldn't get pregnant. It hurt when we lost two little sweethearts in my belly. It was the biggest joy of my life having Caleb, a sweet baby with the man I adore. Then the blessing of Corinne. In my dreams of the life I was hoping for I always saw 3. So we tried, we lost and tried again. So much in fact that my body is now too fragile to ever get pregnant again. It would be a danger to me my doctor has said. What an amazing blessing the children we have, what a blessing Collin is and joy he has added to our family.

I am tired. So tired. Not just because of the kids, but the fact that Justin and I seem to constantly be doing too much. Some day I plan on slowing that down... I hope. There are several times a day I close my eyes and wish my two oldest weren't fighting. I wish Collin would take better naps through the day. I wish I could sleep a full night without someone waking us up. There is water spilled at every meal. Toys dragged around the house in every room. Boogers wiped on furniture, and stinky diapers in every trash can. The laundry is something you wouldn't believe and to say they are put away nicely and organized is laughable. Everything must be planned around when the children will sleep. I hear "Yuck" at the meals I have prepared. I council, referee, punish and love fiercely. I am a mother. I have a very special job that will impact the way my children grow up. What they come to value and see as important. We impact the way they will look at a marriage and family someday. We are their first teachers and their first loves. It is by far the most important job I will ever do in this lifetime.

So why add one more to the already hectic full life we have.... my heart is is big enough. The miracle of little people is worth it. They are a miracle. You can't truly understand that until you have them. Or have been blessed to have adopted a sweet child depending on you. The daily grind can get hard and tiring, but when you slow down enough to look and listen you are reminded of the innocence of children and it brings joy.

Collin has made our family feel complete. Caleb and Corinne adore him. Love on him and are already watching out for him. The chaos of 3 little kids running around actually makes me feel more at home. It's comforting. I want to soak it all up, because one day... one day I will miss all of that. I will love and enjoy where I am, I am sure. But I will miss the little play people peeking out from my jewelry box. The rock and stick collection in my garage. The boo boo's I kiss multiple times a day. The dinner we sit down to as a family each night. The tiny toes I kiss proceeded by fits of laughter. We had 3 because it's what god blessed us with. I will forever be thankful... and tired.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The season we are in

A few nights ago while swapping out a fussy one month old Collin with Justin, him and I made eye contact. Not something you do as much as you would think with 2 kiddos and a new baby. Silently we got each other. Tired and joyful, frustrated and blessed. As we looked at each other for a moment he then reminded me and said, "It's OK, we will make it, it's just a season." My shoulders lowered and I was reminded.

It's been our approach during hard times, stressful times, exhaustingly wonderful times. He is right, we are in a season. That's what life is built of. It's constantly changing, we are constantly growing, hopefully older and wiser. This is a special time in our life, we have three beautiful, healthy, sweet kids. Three children under the age of four and it's a tiring season of parenthood. When we got married we talked about kids, names, boy or girl, etc. Like many couples do, and now we are right smack in the middle of it.

Our house goes from calm and straightened to trashed and noisy in the few moments after 7am. There are always crumbs on my floor and table. My momma van smells like pee, with no sign of a dirty diaper. Some one's always crying or hurt. My hair is in a permanent ponytail, and all my yoga pants have holes. There's spots on the carpet, and my phone is always stolen. Little naked bottoms running up the stairs, spilled water with every meal.

Then there are the sweet, strong hugs. Prayers said for mom and dad. The Ah-Ha moments of learning. Sister kisses. Singing in the car. Family snuggles in bed. Thanks yous and "You're the best evers," Little monsters in my closet, and pirates jumping on the bed. Kissing boo boos, and doctor dad. Dancing to music by piano playing dad, and musical theater shows in our kitchen. Baking of cookies and chocolate chip smiles. Silly faces, and slobbery smooches.

I am lucky you see. I have a partner who is the love of my life, my best friend, the person I love to be with the most. WE have been blessed with a beautiful family. It's messy, and tiring, and frustrating and AMAZING. I'm gonna soak in this season, because before I know it, this one will be gone and all we will have is the memories and pictures to remember. So messy house and tiring nights you are all just part of it, and husband who gets me and calms me, I am so glad to do this life with you. To this season, and many more to come.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Going From Four to Five

As of July 23rd, 2014 our family became a family of five. AHHHH, I love it. I prayed and hoped and wished for 3 beautiful healthy children, and god heard my prayers, our prayers. Not right away, and as you know we lost 2 babies, but in his time. We are truly blessed with healthy children, with a beautiful family. Thankful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, and tired, at this moment very very tired, haha.

 Collin Michael Legris was born at 8:05am on Wednesday. By far the strangest delivery I have had. Not a whimper out of Collin. He didn't cry when he came out, not with a shot, nothing until later in the evening. Could have been the whole c section thing, but I am actually very lucky to have stuck to my guns with c sections. They aren't fun, and they aren't something you just choose to do. Caleb was c section from an emergency. Corinne was very close in age to Caleb, so I didn't have a lot of recovery. This time I was told by my doctor during surgery that my uterus was very, very thin, and he didn't know if we were thinking 4 kids, but my body was done. I felt it. 5 pregnancies, 2 DNC's and 3 c sections, my body is done. The recovery this time feels a lot harder too. But, back to Collin...

  finally got to see him and again, what a perfect little baby. Sweet little face and smile. I love how babies just know as soon as they are placed with their mom. It's a calmness, a bonding. I am so amazingly in love, again. It never gets old, the bonding and love you have for your children. What an perfect love.

Collins weight did go down in the hospital but that's pretty normal, and he's been in for his check up already. Healthy boy! If we could just get him to be happy and sleep at night all would be perfect, ha ha. And yes, we stuck with the C names. It wasn't planned to do that, it just so happens we love these names and they fit our kiddos. Actually it took us 2 full days to decide on his name. It was either Ethan or Collin. Justin is so lucky to have such a wonderful family, and I to have in laws that I adore. Fiona, Justin's sister (and mine) came from TX to watch the kids and be a part of this with us. Caleb and Corinne adore their aunt and she is wonderful with them. Now if we could just get the rest of the family from across the big pond to move closer, haha. Fiona, was a life saver through this.

So now I am looking at the dinner table with such a full heart. Caleb, Corinne, and Collin. The 3 musketeers, years of getting to know them, directing them, loving them, teaching them and always being their parents. That is cool. Thank god for our little family of 5, in my opinion it doesn't get any better than this.

Monday, July 14, 2014

I am a Christian

This blog entry has been floating around in my head and heart for several weeks. How can I express correctly what I am wanting to say. How in this day of age can we defend our Christianity without others judging. I guess that's nothing knew though. People hating and constantly judging what is and isn't Christian. Finding any little mistakes and calling us hypocrites. It can actually be very hard to constantly work towards being a Christian in a world that hates.

I guess I want to start with me, my background and story of being a Christian, then loosing that, then really finding what it means. See I don't think it's something you just magically find one day and it all makes sense. I do think you find Jesus, and you choose to believe, but the other things, the really hard stuff is a life long process.We couldn't possibly process and understand all god wants of us until our hearts and minds are truly open, and even then, there are some things we will never know or understand until we enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

So I grew up with my mother singing the church choir as I sat front row admiring her wishing I was old enough to join in. I remember going to play kids during church choir practice, Sunday school, singing in children's choirs, and all the sweet little old ladies doting on me. I am beyond thankful my mother set up this foundation for me and helped me to see the love of Christ early. I was a happy child and into middle school and high school. I had a few rebellion times in middle school like the typical child, but I remember being drawn to reading my bible, devotions, and turning to that when I felt alone and sad. Especially with all the moving my family did. High school was pretty much the same, I did mission work and funny enough went to bed every night praying god would make me a singer, ha.

Although it was easy for me to believe and stay connected to Christ at a young age, I still didn't really understand, or always understand what that meant. When you're young you might believe its a lot of rules to follow, or you're a bad person. At least I did. No drugs, no sex, be kind, etc. Good things to not do anyway. (you know what I mean)

College, I got a little lost for various reasons. I still loved god and prayed, but the guilt of many of my actions in college made it hard to have a relationship with god.  Also at one point I got very mad with god for letting someone I looked up to and cared about die. (something I see somewhat differently now). I lost a relationship I believed to had been a forever deal, which I also see differently today. About Senior year of college god began to put people in my life to bring me back to where he wanted me, and where I need to be, where I want to be. One being my husband.

So why do I bore you with this. I was inspired to write this blog because I have a lot of people in my life who are non believers, or just don't understand what mine and Justin's beliefs are. As well as many people in my life that are Christians. In no way am I judging or asking my friends and family to change. I accept you thoughts, feelings, and I love you dearly. I accept where you are and what you believe and I want to explain a little of where we are and what we believe. Sometimes I think non believers can come to think Christians are naive, simple, just believe what they have been told and teach their children the same. Maybe even blind to the real world. But I assure you, it is a very thought out process and a constant building process to live as Christ has called us.

For my fellow Christians I think many will agree that truly knowing Christ, to the point where you are filled with his love is a constant process, a constant learning experience and even if you grew up hearing and knowing it, there still comes a time you decide and either hear Christ, or don't, or keep trying.

But mainly I write this for my friends that are non believers. Much of the world hates Christians or what they believe Christians to be. Some people might believe all Christians to be the same, so if you meet a few that are extreme you believe they all are. By extreme I mean "Christians" that hate, and clearly are, well, not living what the bible is teaching. I don't mean to sound judgemental in that statement, but it's pretty clear that people who are picketing that god hates whatever person clearly might not be reading the same bible others are.

Anyway. For me at least it has been a growing process that I imagine will continue my whole life. It's really been the past 4-5 years that god has taken a hold of my heart and began to show me what a christian really is. I pray every day for it. Clarity, my heart to be so filled with gods love and desires for us that it just flows through me. But that's the thing, we all sin. Everyone one, christian or not, every day. I sin in thoughts, in words, in loosing my temper, in judging others, in not giving more, in being selfish or entitled. I do it every day. There was a point in my life where I thought, OK, I'm a pretty good person. I love god, I do good things, what a good christian I am.....

Yeah, not the way it works. Also when I was younger I thought; man, god is tough, I am always doing wrong, why even try. He felt more like an authority figure, instead of what he really is.

It wasn't truly until we had children that I came to understand the god that loves us. HE is our father. If you can compare that to the love you have for your own children you might start to understand The kind of love he has for us. He's not a god that is looking down furled eyebrows, and a grimaced face at all we do. Instead he knows what is best for us. Just like a child who hits another child to retrieve their toy, or take it. We correct them out of LOVE, to teach them kindness, respect and sharing. Why do we teach these things to our kids with love behind it and think that god isn't constantly teaching with our best interest at heart, and LOVE in all he does for us. This is what I believe as a Christian. GOD loves us like no one ever could, and everything he tries to teach us, and show us is from the love that a father (or mother) has for their children. He says it about a million times in the bible, sad it took me so long to get it.

I also use to think if I wasn't constantly showing in some way that I was a good christian person that I wasn't. People would judge me, and not believe that I loved god. Wrong again. Everyone sins, every day. That's why Jesus died for us. That's what makes us Christians. We believe in the savior, the saver of our life, of our sin, of our hearts turning mean and mad, and acting in ways that are not filled with love. Christ forgives us. Each time I do, say, think, or act in a way that is of this world, or human nature, and I pray, I feel the burdens being lifted. I feel the peace of god, I feel my heart growing wiser, and I feel Christ showing me more of himself. It can be easy to judge our friends and neighbors and think that they may say they are Christian but aren't acting that way. But the truth is we are all fighting a battle in some way. With or without asking for the help of Christ.

So what do I believe, what does my family believe, why do we call ourselves Christian. Well, to get into every little detail would take too long, but to simplify it; Our hearts live in Christ. Every night Justin and I pray together, about what's on our hearts and minds. About our family, and god is doing in us and our marriage. We pray for clarity to live as Christ wants us to live and not the world. We have felt, heard and seen Christ in many ways in our lives, before knowing each other and now. When we sin, we feel it and we repent. Sometimes it takes each other to help us see are hearts aren't in the right spot. We go to church to worship with other people that believe as we do. To gain a family, a group of friends that love god as we do and can encourage us in this life. We believe Jesus is our savior and forgives us just by asking. He loves us and only wants good things for us. We accept when we are wrong, and instead of trying to justify our mistakes and constant sins, we try to pray for the clarity to know what's right and wrong. We sin every day. We teach our children about God and Jesus in hopes that they will know him as we do, and their hearts too will find him like we did, not to brain wash them. We believe god has been good to us in what he has given and what he has taken away, and will try to always remember that in good and bad. We are doing our best. Our best to live for Christ because he died for us. We have much to learn, but we are trying.

I know not all of this will make sense, and it's not meant to. We all experience life differently. I only hope that the people in our lives that love us understand a little better, and that Christ is happy with the way we are trying to live and love. Because in all reality, it only matters what god thinks. much love to all our friends and family.

Friday, July 4, 2014

The Endless Blessings Spring / Summer 2014

 2014 Blog Book

I am so behind in my blogs.... story of my life this year, hah.so we will call this a catch up blog and I can continue on my more riveting entries sitting in my log, :)

Justin has officially started residency. You know to be honest I don't see where this is going to be much different on hours than medical school. For a family doctor anyway. I know there are specialties that are ridiculously intense, but it sounds like it will alternate between crazy months and easier months. Which is kinda how medical school was. In general it seems he will be home for dinner most nights, so I can't ask for more than that of guy studying his heart out to be a good doc. He got all official today, white coat and all, so that's fun. I am so proud of him. He's still coming home every day and taking over the family duties so I can rest, which at 36.5 weeks pregnant I greatly appreciate!

Speaking of... Our sweet baby boy is due via C-section July 23rd. So 2.5 weeks away!! I am very ready, always the case at the end I think. I am ready to meet him, pick his name, have my body back, ha. I imagine he will come out looking just like the other 2, like his dad, :) I have enjoyed this pregnancy. It's never easy to go 9 months through the whole process, but it is a huge blessing to be able to have sweet babies. I remember there was a time I wasn't sure I would be able to, and loosing 2 during the past 5 years has been extremely difficult, but god heals and has blessed us so much with this pregnancy and the 2 amazing kids we have. Even at the end I feel him constantly move and feel so much joy. A new beautiful life, and I get to be his mother and love him. It's awesome! We don't usually pick names for our babes until we see them, so we shall see in just a few short weeks.

36 Weeks Preggo

 Sweet Summer Days!

So far it has been kind of an unusual spring and summer because Justin was off until now, we moved, we had all the graduation stuff and in general been adjusting to all the "new" It's been really great actually! I haven't had Justin around this much in several years so we have just enjoyed that. Date nights when we could, LOTS of family time, probably drove him a little crazy home with little ones all day for weeks, ha ha. But really, its been great!

Now that summer has officially started the kids and I are just keeping busy these last few weeks before another new change :)

Pool, park, Mops play dates, time with our friends. I can't even describe how thankful I feel for the continuous good things in our life. I was driving home today from the berry patch with the kids looking at the beautiful sky, clouds and Kansas fields, and deep inside I think how could get any better. We are lucky in this life, so many of us have it way better than we deserve and times we forget that. I try to continue to make it my mission to see, really see simplicity as the gift it is. It can be so easy to get caught up in our own worlds and not really see around us. I hope and pray god just continue to open my eyes, every day. Here's the beauty of our summer so far :)

 90% of this pics are cell phone pics, but I've come realize if I don't catalog them somehow they will be lost in the ever changing technology some day. :)