The Facebook Addiction

OK, so I am a very social person and I always have been. I love chatting catching up seeing what people are up to etc. I had been talking to one of my friends last week who read a blog about being calmer and more relaxed when she wasn't so distracted. How am I constantly distracted?

FACEBOOK, EMAIL, PINTEREST, on and on..... In my mind I am just jumping on for a quick look. oohh, ohhh did someone comment on my obviously brilliant status update about cleaning my house while in roller skates.... oh, no. but wait! What's that... Another MOPS event! WHOOOOP! She did what!? Are they seriously traveling over there, I am so jealous!!!

One minute I am involved in something at home or interacting with my child and the next I am totally distracted by a million blasts on facebook about what's "going on"

There was one day last week (after my morning coffee and status update checking) I turned off my computer in the morning. Put my phone on silent downstairs and spent the entire day just living. Hanging out in the house with the kids. Doing chores. Playing. Making cookies. gardening outside with the kids.

I didn't look at my email or facebook again until the evening after dinner. It was actually fantastic! I got so much done, and I wasn't so easily frustrated by the kids needing something from me. I wasn't too distracted in a quick check of the phone or computer to be 100% present in what I was doing.

It is a serious problem that I think so many of us have gotten so use to that we don't even realize. Do you bring your phone with you to the bathroom to check things out? Does it go everywhere you go? Do you know the average, AVERAGE person checks their phone for something 125 times a day....

I will be the first to admit, it has become a problem for me. Really just a habit. A horrible habit that I am just use to. It's actually kinda sad I have to think about leaving it alone to be more present. I didn't mean to get so use to it, I just did. Before kids, then during nursing because it kept me awake while I was trying to feed the babies in the middle of the night, then with work stuff seemed like I needed to be checking my email.

I am sure most have you have heard that with all the smart phones and communicating behind electronics that it is sabotaging real communication. I mean it makes sense. It's so much easier to say something on the computer and put a smiley face with it, but what's the real meaning sometimes. According to an 2012 article in Forbes 93% of communication is nonverbal.

That's just part of the issue, and I wasn't getting into that part of it. For me it has become too much of a distraction. I am calmer, less frustrated, more present with my children, and get a whole lot more done when I am off the computer/phone. The hard part is that women are naturally social people. You stay home with kiddos all day every day you crave adult interaction. The easiest way to get it in our day is through social media.

Balance. I need a better balance. I like facebook, blogs, pinterest, etc. I just need balance. I need to change my phone habit. My electronic habit. (I think in our next home the computer will be somewhat away from the main living area.) Not only do I need to change this for me and my family, but most importantly for God. Why do I have time to check my facebook 35 times a day but I don't have time to read my bible verses. distractions.

So with that, here's to less time on my electronics. More time in the present moment without distraction. My goal is to check facebook in the morning with my coffee and in the evening. THAT"S IT! So if you suddenly start seeing less of me online don't be offended, I am sticking to my goal. :)


Hoping this will not be my children in a few years..... (won't let that happen :))

The attitude to get through medical school

Part 1.

The medical students family for 1 more year. We are the Legris family and this life together is truly a exciting ever changing journey.  Truly I laugh and enjoy where Justin and I came from and where we met and how life has such a funny way of moving along. God has a way of guiding us where to go even when we think we are the ones choosing.

The last 3 years have been challenging, better than I thought they would be, but challenging at times.  It really is all about attitude. All about how god keeps our hearts open and hearing him and relying on him.

I have gone through some rough patches during this time, hearing what the world tells me is important and letting what I "don't have" bringing me down. Let me tell you, when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Sad, but true. When my attitude is negative it rubs off on the kids, it affects Justin and then suddenly the whole family is grouchy and unhappy about everything. I hate that. My attitude sets the tone for us all.

Poor me. We don't have a home yet. Our cars are barely holding on. Our money is beyond tight as we accrue more debt through medical school. We can't afford this or that. I gained weight with the pregnancy. My husbands schedule is never the same. We have no savings. And on and on.

I was recently in this mood, overtaken by the frustration of waiting until July for our next check of financial aid and feeling depressed I didn't get a degree that could actually make any kind of money.

Justin came out of the bathroom from taking a shower and asked me completely honestly and  unsarcastically "tell me one thing we have have that not everyone else has." I thought about it for about a second and immediately said "We have a happy marriage."

My heart felt warmer. I repeated in my head; We have a happy marriage. WHAT is truly important. this was the start of getting me back on track and pointed towards a better attitude. I prayed and continue to pray for god to keep my heart focused on what is important, not what's important in this world, but what's truly important in this life. This one short life we have. Sadly I was also reminded in a Disney movie the other day the same message, ha ha. Darn Disney. But it's not just a fairy tale idea, it is reality.

Right now we are financially poor. We don't have a home or nice cars. We don't have lots of clothes, shoes, expensive furniture. We can't go out and do lots of things we would like. We have no savings. We don't have much that the world would say is important or worthy of respect.

We do have an awesome marriage. One that sees and recognizes hard times, knows that disagreements are part of life and it doesn't mean we don't love each other. One that honors our vows and promise to god and each other. Richer or poorer, in sickness and health, we love each other more than the flesh, and more than our human ways. He's my best friend in the world. We forgive one another for our many, many faults and work to be better. Our pride doesn't get in the way. I could have only dreamed of such a partner, and I was lucky enough god had him picked out for me.

We have amazing, healthy, beautiful children. 2 sweet gifts from god that surprise me, amaze me, and delight me each day. I look at them in such wonder some days and all I can think is god is truly amazing and wonderful. They are like little miracles. Little hands and sparkling eyes. So innocent and trusting of our love and support. Never have I known love like this before.

We are more taken care of than I even see. More blessed than so many in this world. We Americans have it so good. We don't even know. I feel ashamed and humbled after my mind clears from the "poor Me's" I could only see that clearness from god. He sets me free. I pray for him to clear my heart, and my selfish ways. Help me to see.

This is just not the attitude and heart to get me through medical school and residency, but every day of life. I can not do it alone. Our attitude comes from what flows inside us, from where our heart is. At times we loose that and that is what makes us human. We are human in every way. Thank you god for giving me clarity in times of fogginess. You are my light.

Not sure about you, but I am hoping Mr. Legris will give us his secrets to the attitude to get through medical school in part 2. After all he is the one doing it, with a family to take care of too :)

Finding my way back

The kids and I got home this morning from our trip to Florida. I should be going to bed right now because both kids are asleep and I am exhausted, but when do I get a few minutes to myself with no children.....

Our trip was fantastic! It was one of those trips where now that I am home I feel like I need a vacation. Probably in part because Justin stayed here to work. The flying part with two small kiddos by myself really just sucks. It's beyond exhausting, even though they were really good on the flights.

I got a lot of time with my family this trip. My father and I got lots of park time, pool, beach, quality time with the kids. Their Aunt Aimee completely spoils them and keeps Caleb so enthralled he's begging for her to come over. We also got to thrift with mom and hit the shopping market. It was completely exhausting, but really fun. I wouldn't highly suggest traveling with a 3 year old and 18 month old, but with my family in FL I don't have much of a choice.

This is a difficult thing for me. Parts of me really wants Justin to apply to Orlando Florida and rank them if he gets an interview. It would be nice to be close to my family. What's better than living in the same city as Disney, the beach 45 mins away, and beautiful weather...well kinda. The summers are horrible!! The stronger part of me needs to stay in Kansas City. My best friends are here. My jobs are here, connections, church family. I know this city, I love it, I feel at home and comfortable. We have built a life here. Starting over as exciting as it is, is also difficult. Justin starts interviews in the fall and pretty soon after that we rank our choices. We are also applying for a program to pay off Medical school by giving time here in Kansas. That is BIG. So many things to think about this last year of medical school. 1 year from tomorrow Justin is an MD and we are on our way to the next step. Crazy how time flies.

It's now been 3 weeks since we lost our baby. I physically feel better. I am mentally feeling better. I am finding my way back from the unexpected bump in our path. Parts of me still feel lost with choices about jobs, and where I go from here, but it's a day by day journey. I hope it doesn't take too much longer to feel on track again, but for now I'll keep going, and praying, and being thankful for all that surrounds me. Especially the family I have. It is everything.

What emptiness is felt, will in time, again fill

I've been waiting to write, I thought I might be in a better frame of mind in a few days, but It's a process. Currently I am in the mad stage, working more towards the acceptance stage, but mad. I am mad this happened, I don't want to see happy things, or other peoples good news, hurt is making me mad. Everyone deals with pain differently, at a different rate. My second miscarriage. I didn't see this coming at all. 13 weeks...I was almost in the 2nd trimester, time to relax and have energy again. I had just felt my baby flutter in my stomach over the weekend. It's like a knife in your heart loosing your baby.... being a mother, feeling your sweet baby inside you every day. My body protects that baby, I am the mother. Anyone who has had a miscarriage will understand the pain.

I look in the mirror and still see a pregnant lady. My clothes don't fit yet. My body is still recovering from D&C. As soon as I woke up from the surgery I could feel the baby wasn't in me anymore. He was gone before that, but his body was still there. Now it was final. The weekend before my appointment I woke up on Saturday morning from a horrible dream. I turned to Justin and said I had a terrible dream our baby was stillborn. I believe that must have been when baby passed away. My mind knew but my heart didn't. I passed it off as a strange pregnancy dream, even though I had never had one like that with Caleb or Corinne.

Wednesday April 24 I took the kids in for my monthly check up. Dr. Peck was using the heart monitor. Wait a second he said...don't worry if we can't get it on here, we will get an ultrasound. I told him about he dream and we went straight to ultrasound. As soon as the picture appeared on the screen I searched for that little blinky light of the heart beating, I kept looking with the persistence that it was GOING to appear. I closed my eyes and began to sob. They didn't have to tell me, Dr. Peck hugged me right away and held me tight. I sobbed louder and louder...how could this happen!!! Just a few weeks ago I saw this sweetheart with a beating heart. One of the nurses took Corinne down the hall where Caleb was and in shock I got dressed and was taken to a quite room to call Justin. Shock. One minute I am living my daily routine making plans for the fall and our new gift from god, and the next there's nothing to plan for anymore. I will never forget those moments.

It's not the fact that we lost a baby. We lost our special and unique baby. Every living being is made completely unique, we each have our own personalities, physical attributes, body's...souls. I look at Corinne and Caleb and how amazingly special they are and it kills me I will never know our 4th baby. Or, I guess I will never know him in this lifetime. Yes, we can try again in time, yes, I pray we can have another baby in the future, but this baby won't be forgotten. I won't magically get over it. There is nothing anyone can say right now to make me feel better. In fact, there's usually not anything someone can say at all. It's really best to just say "I'm sorry, you will be in my prayers." That's it, anything else is unsolicited advice in a time of mourning. It will be with Justin and I forever.

Monday the pain and after affects of the D&C hit me hard. I am sore, crampy, dizzy, exhausted. Each day is getting a little better, and I am sure as I heal physically my heart and mind will slowly join in.

I mourn and pray for any woman who has been through this and especially the women who have been through it several times. It's take a piece of you that is unlike any other hurt. I don't know what happen and I never will. Was it my body failing the baby? Was it something didn't connect right inside? Was it something I did? I will never know. The only thing I know for sure at this moment is our sweet baby is with god and Jesus, and as Caleb said the other day "Jesus will take good care of our baby." If I can hear that from the heart of a 3 year old, I know it has to be true. The empty, drained heart I feel now will heal, in time, it just won't ever be the same. It will be lived.

 This is the last picture of our baby. He (she) was 13.5 weeks gestation

The Secret Life of a Hermit

I believe I wrote a similar post back when I was pregnant with Corinne, which lets be honest wasn't long ago, hah! Since 2009 I have been pregnant 4 times, lost our first little sweetheart. I noticed the other day at church I have more new maternity clothes than normal clothes. Our plan is 3, that is it, please god, bless our little baby and leave us with 3 little miracles, please, ha ha :)

No really, I am sure it is all this momma can handle. I am blessed beyond words, and very tired. This is what I do when I am pregnant, I become a hermit. Each day is filled with about all I can take before falling over in the evenings from pure exhaustion. I have a very, very energetic 3 year old, a 16 month old who is working on her tantrums and a little bubby in my tummy making me tired. Having no family in town definitely makes it tough, luckily though I have some really good friends that help us out every now and then.

I see these people, including my husband with this energy to go all day, stay up late, go, go, go. I am really tired just watching them. I can be that way after about 9 hours of sleep, truly my minimum or I blow up into cyber pieces and float away.

But really I am not that exciting during these months of growing a baby. I keep our children alive, our dogs get petted every few days, the projects I meant to do for months are still sitting there. I don't talk as much to anyone, I don't do as many activities, I don't blog as much, I am grumpy. I am really, really tired. I do remember 2nd trimester being much better, so lets hope for that. But please my dear friends, my best friends who know me best remember that my body has been taken over by a little growing miracle that makes me into a hermit for several months.... I will be back.

 Yep, pretty much me, but add a little growing belly :)

As for the fearless medical student that lives with little hermit, he
is doing well. On pediatrics now, doing children's ICU this week. It's a very busy rotation, and he is exhausted. a year from next month his medical student journey will be over..... what shall I call my blog then. :)

Spring and lil muffin number 3

Little muffin number 3, you are already stealing my heart away and you're just the size of a prune. 10 weeks pregnant and I remember daily why I love and despise pregnancy. How can I not be in LOVE with the fact that a little person whom god created is growing inside of me. Filled with little pieces of Justin and I that will make this sweet baby the person he or she will become. The most amazing gift in this life. How can I love the extreme exhaustion, heartburn, aches and pains, moodiness and habit of becoming a pregnant hermit. We plan on this being the last time. (God Laughs robustly) Seriously though, I have to laugh when I say "we plan" Justin and I had a "plan" of 3 kiddos, but the third coming a little later. God had a different plan. :) I am so glad he did because I can tell this little sweetheart in me is very special, just as perfect and planned as Caleb and Corinne.

I look at Caleb, my sweet, crazy boy and think how perfectly created you were. With a sweet heart, a fun and creative spirit, a persistent ambition and smile that melts his momma. Corinne, who snuggles and hugs everyone, is my social butterfly, Who ventures out to try new things with determination, yet is also just as happy playing in her room by herself. She is perfectly created, her hugs are tight and she rubs my back as she holds me.... perfection. Little muffin number 3, what will you be like? A girl? A boy? Will you also look just like your daddy? Will you know how much we love you? I am filled with joy and excitement for our little family that will soon be 5. There is nothing more important in this world than love. Each one of my children are unique and special and Justin and I strive to LOVE them as god loves us, teach them what we believe is best and guide them through this life as best we can. I hope someday our children know this, and that they also know that even at their tiniest inside their mothers belly, each one of them was so dearly loved. I can't wait to see more of you third little Legris, and hear more of your little heartbeat.

Spring update -

Now for our family spring update :)
Justin just finished spring break and is now on pediatrics. Just started today actually so not much news on that one, other than it is a 6 week rotation, and I might still have him home for dinner most nights, haha!

Over spring break we went to the aquarium with the kids, ate way too much food, and had a really busy week with Easter. Back and forth to the church 4 times last week. Lots of fun, just very tiring. I have realized when things get too hectic I really do get stressed and even more exhausted. I need a smooth steady pace :)

Sadly I didn't get pictures of the kids in their Easter outfits because Caleb spilt orange juice on his white vest first thing at church...go figure. I decided I would get them dressed one of these spring weekends and just get some good shots. Now all we need is this cold to go away and the warm weather begin. Time outside with the kids, gardening, family bike rides. WE are ready! Come on Spring!!

Be Still My Singing Momma Heart

The other day while relaxing in the evening Justin asked me if I was happy. It was just one of those passing questions, not like a deep inquisitive question but rather a "how's life type of thing." His schedule has been amazing the past few rotations so he has seen me at home a lot more. While he's out conquering the medical world one clinical rotation at a time, I am raising little ones, and working a little, planning meals, keeping our house, finding preschools, teaching singing, choirs, crafting....living one day at a time. AM I HAPPY. That's the question we all ask ourselves as life goes on, days and months pass. I guess I have always been extremely realistic about this kind of quest. There are good times, and not so great times. If we never had the hard times we really would never appreciate the great ones. I have struggled with depression in the past because of my anxiety, but with gods help and some awesome anxiety pills :) that has become very well controlled. It runs in my family, I don't really have any control over the anxiety thing....but I don't use it as an excuse. It's just something I live with and I have learned to handle.

So to answer my question; I simply can't imagine being happier.

I really enjoy teaching the students I have at the community college. I struggled with some voice issues for years and with figuring them out over time it has made me a better teacher. I am really starting to pinpoint what singers are having issues with and help them fix it. I am understanding good vocal technique. I don't make much money, barely enough to pay for the childcare, but I love it. I also LOVE my church choir. After my basic conducting class in undergrad I never thought I could conduct a choir, but I've learned, I am good a rhythms, continuing to learn conducting techniques, I feel the inflection of what the music should be doing, I get to worship god with other believers that love music. I can be myself around my choir members and have the support of them knowing I am not perfect, but I will keep trying. It's awesome! I have an amazing marriage with my best friend as a spouse. He is my every day partner in crime, or partner of changing diapers but partner of crime sounds so much more exciting :) He's a one of a kind amazing man.

My biggest job and most frequent one though is raising our kiddos. Sweet 3-year-old Caleb, Darling 1-year-old Corinne and a new baby on the way. This is the most important job I will ever do in this life. It's the job that means the most to me. That makes my heart sing. I cherish with everything inside me the time I get with these amazing little people. Every day is something new. They see something they have never seen before, learn something of this world, experience life in an awe each day. If only we looked at life with such wonder and amazement we might just see more of god. Seeing life through the eyes of a child. It makes me happy to see them this way. Innocent. I worry about the harshness of the world and things they will go through, but I also know it is mine and Justin's job to council them, and help make sense of life, so someday they can journey out on their own and hopefully make wise decisions. We pray every night for our children, and I know god hears us.

Being a stay at home mom has it's challenges. It's a full time never ending, never have coffee break kind of job. Especially when they are little bitty. Some days frustrations take me over. Our house is a disaster, I have work at home to do for my job, I need to make business calls, no food in the refrigerator, Caleb and Corinne have been fitting and won't leave me alone long enough to pee with the door shut! It builds, and then the second Justin walks in the door I hand him a baby with a plea of some peace and quite. A hot bath, a trip to the store by myself. I cling to my Starbucks coffee and breathe a sigh of relief as my shoulders lower and my heart rate goes down. With in a hour or few I start to miss their little faces, constant questions, hugs and kisses, even their most annoying pleas for something "yummy!" 

The connection and Love is so deeply ingrained in me. I need to be home with my children, and even on the hardest of days, I love it. I was built to nurture. Not everyone feels this way, or even wants to have children, and that is totally fine. We are all individuals. We all bring something to society, each something that is different. I disagree with the thoughts of you should or shouldn't be a working mom, or a stay at home mom. One is better, or smarter, or has more success than the other. This works for me. This is what makes me the happiest.

In my heart, my singing momma heart, I would give anything to watch them grow. To shower them in love, protection and guidance. Our time with them is short and I don't want to miss it. So yes my dear husband, I am a very happy woman. In fact, I can't imagine anything better.