Yep that last one got me, because it's pretty much true. Since 2009 I have been pregnant, nursing, or recovering. I wanted children so bad, so bad that it hurt when I couldn't get pregnant. It hurt when we lost two little sweethearts in my belly. It was the biggest joy of my life having Caleb, a sweet baby with the man I adore. Then the blessing of Corinne. In my dreams of the life I was hoping for I always saw 3. So we tried, we lost and tried again. So much in fact that my body is now too fragile to ever get pregnant again. It would be a danger to me my doctor has said. What an amazing blessing the children we have, what a blessing Collin is and joy he has added to our family.
I am tired. So tired. Not just because of the kids, but the fact that Justin and I seem to constantly be doing too much. Some day I plan on slowing that down... I hope. There are several times a day I close my eyes and wish my two oldest weren't fighting. I wish Collin would take better naps through the day. I wish I could sleep a full night without someone waking us up. There is water spilled at every meal. Toys dragged around the house in every room. Boogers wiped on furniture, and stinky diapers in every trash can. The laundry is something you wouldn't believe and to say they are put away nicely and organized is laughable. Everything must be planned around when the children will sleep. I hear "Yuck" at the meals I have prepared. I council, referee, punish and love fiercely. I am a mother. I have a very special job that will impact the way my children grow up. What they come to value and see as important. We impact the way they will look at a marriage and family someday. We are their first teachers and their first loves. It is by far the most important job I will ever do in this lifetime.
So why add one more to the already hectic full life we have.... my heart is is big enough. The miracle of little people is worth it. They are a miracle. You can't truly understand that until you have them. Or have been blessed to have adopted a sweet child depending on you. The daily grind can get hard and tiring, but when you slow down enough to look and listen you are reminded of the innocence of children and it brings joy.
Collin has made our family feel complete. Caleb and Corinne adore him. Love on him and are already watching out for him. The chaos of 3 little kids running around actually makes me feel more at home. It's comforting. I want to soak it all up, because one day... one day I will miss all of that. I will love and enjoy where I am, I am sure. But I will miss the little play people peeking out from my jewelry box. The rock and stick collection in my garage. The boo boo's I kiss multiple times a day. The dinner we sit down to as a family each night. The tiny toes I kiss proceeded by fits of laughter. We had 3 because it's what god blessed us with. I will forever be thankful... and tired.