Thursday, December 18, 2014

Some days I'm down...

Some days I just want to cry... I don't because I am on a little pill called celexa which keeps me from going completely crazy because I have anxiety, but I feel like it. OK, some days I do cry, but others I just feel down. This is a relatively new thing because I have been having more and more of these days. Not new as in I have never dealt with depression and anxiety, but new as in I haven't dealt with it in awhile. I have boiled it all down to pure exhaustion. I am so tired my ability to handle things has significantly dropped, and coffee, plus praying for quiet time is all that keeps me going.

I am not the kind of person that does well with little sleep. Now make that lack of sleep last for several months and I start getting depressed. That's where I am. I'm not sad about my life, I love my life. I am not in a desperate place. I'm in a frustrated place. I am unbelievably tired and worn down. So much that the perky happy Erin, is droopy grumpy Erin.

My baby doesn't sleep. He takes naps during the day with about a 45 minute duration period. My 5 year is an extremely spirited child. With all the things that make him so amazing, he's also got many things that make him difficult and exhausting. I guess the apple didn't fall to far from the tree with that one :) My three year old has always been such a joy. Easy baby, slept, sweet. Well, now she is three.... If you have a three year old you know exactly what I mean. No need to explain, If I see your eyes glazing over from the pain of yet another meltdown, I will know you are a parent of a three year old. It is hard to muster the energy to break up fights all day. To parent with teachable moments instead of frustration. To discipline with natural consquences. To be a good, loving, parent who is trying soo, sooo hard to raise them right.

My husband, bless him, is an intern. Yes, poor guy is as exhausted as I am with longer hours because he comes home from his long days and helps try to keep me sane. His soul calms me and he helps give me the rest I need. Just not getting as much as him as I wish.

It's also winter. Winter is gloomy, cold and my sunshine quota is down. Some days are just like this. Most days I can get out and do something to cheer up even my biggest annoyances, but some days I am just down.

 Now if only they were this calm and sweet all the time :)

Thursday, December 11, 2014

The little girl's three

Time seems so slow some days. The days I am exhausted and can't wait until quiet time. The days Justin is gone from 5am to 7pm. The sick days. Then there are other days, days that I look intently into my children's eyes and see them growing and changing.

How is it possible those shoes don't fit, I just bought them. He just had a haircut and we need another one. How is she drawing like that, just yesterday she couldn't even hold a crayon!

It's amazing how quickly it is going. Tiring, exhausting, but quick. I feel like I am going to wake up one day and not know where it all went....

My little girl, my sweet Corinne is three. I remember being int he hospital with her. My easy baby I call her, because she was. Slept amazingly from the beginning, sweet cuddly baby. I kept her in bed with me in the hospital, which I am sure was frowned upon, but I didn't care. I wasn't letting that sweet little bundle out of my sight! That's how she has continued to be. A sweet little girl. She adores her brother Caleb, acts like him, wants to do what he is doing. She has been extremely girly from the start. Loved pretty things, dolls and dresses. She is smart as can be. Catches on really quick to things, and listens to things around her. She loves to draw and color. She could sing all day and dance with the best of them! Don't dare tell her no because she can scowl just like her momma and kiss her all day she will be your best friend.

I can tell 3 is gonna be a sassy one already. With the struggle for independence and having a voice, this mom is ready! She is my beautiful, smart, talented amazing in every way little girl! My big girl!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

What everyone told me about 3....and why we did it anyway.

You'll be exhausted and never sleep again. Everything is uneven, the world is built for families of 4. The middle child will feel left out. Can you handle three so young? Wow, I've only ever seen you pregnant the past 5 years.... all things said to me with the announcement of Legris #3, pregnancy #5.

Yep that last one got me, because it's pretty much true. Since 2009 I have been pregnant, nursing, or recovering. I wanted children so bad, so bad that it hurt when I couldn't get pregnant. It hurt when we lost two little sweethearts in my belly. It was the biggest joy of my life having Caleb, a sweet baby with the man I adore. Then the blessing of Corinne. In my dreams of the life I was hoping for I always saw 3. So we tried, we lost and tried again. So much in fact that my body is now too fragile to ever get pregnant again. It would be a danger to me my doctor has said. What an amazing blessing the children we have, what a blessing Collin is and joy he has added to our family.

I am tired. So tired. Not just because of the kids, but the fact that Justin and I seem to constantly be doing too much. Some day I plan on slowing that down... I hope. There are several times a day I close my eyes and wish my two oldest weren't fighting. I wish Collin would take better naps through the day. I wish I could sleep a full night without someone waking us up. There is water spilled at every meal. Toys dragged around the house in every room. Boogers wiped on furniture, and stinky diapers in every trash can. The laundry is something you wouldn't believe and to say they are put away nicely and organized is laughable. Everything must be planned around when the children will sleep. I hear "Yuck" at the meals I have prepared. I council, referee, punish and love fiercely. I am a mother. I have a very special job that will impact the way my children grow up. What they come to value and see as important. We impact the way they will look at a marriage and family someday. We are their first teachers and their first loves. It is by far the most important job I will ever do in this lifetime.

So why add one more to the already hectic full life we have.... my heart is is big enough. The miracle of little people is worth it. They are a miracle. You can't truly understand that until you have them. Or have been blessed to have adopted a sweet child depending on you. The daily grind can get hard and tiring, but when you slow down enough to look and listen you are reminded of the innocence of children and it brings joy.

Collin has made our family feel complete. Caleb and Corinne adore him. Love on him and are already watching out for him. The chaos of 3 little kids running around actually makes me feel more at home. It's comforting. I want to soak it all up, because one day... one day I will miss all of that. I will love and enjoy where I am, I am sure. But I will miss the little play people peeking out from my jewelry box. The rock and stick collection in my garage. The boo boo's I kiss multiple times a day. The dinner we sit down to as a family each night. The tiny toes I kiss proceeded by fits of laughter. We had 3 because it's what god blessed us with. I will forever be thankful... and tired.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The season we are in

A few nights ago while swapping out a fussy one month old Collin with Justin, him and I made eye contact. Not something you do as much as you would think with 2 kiddos and a new baby. Silently we got each other. Tired and joyful, frustrated and blessed. As we looked at each other for a moment he then reminded me and said, "It's OK, we will make it, it's just a season." My shoulders lowered and I was reminded.

It's been our approach during hard times, stressful times, exhaustingly wonderful times. He is right, we are in a season. That's what life is built of. It's constantly changing, we are constantly growing, hopefully older and wiser. This is a special time in our life, we have three beautiful, healthy, sweet kids. Three children under the age of four and it's a tiring season of parenthood. When we got married we talked about kids, names, boy or girl, etc. Like many couples do, and now we are right smack in the middle of it.

Our house goes from calm and straightened to trashed and noisy in the few moments after 7am. There are always crumbs on my floor and table. My momma van smells like pee, with no sign of a dirty diaper. Some one's always crying or hurt. My hair is in a permanent ponytail, and all my yoga pants have holes. There's spots on the carpet, and my phone is always stolen. Little naked bottoms running up the stairs, spilled water with every meal.

Then there are the sweet, strong hugs. Prayers said for mom and dad. The Ah-Ha moments of learning. Sister kisses. Singing in the car. Family snuggles in bed. Thanks yous and "You're the best evers," Little monsters in my closet, and pirates jumping on the bed. Kissing boo boos, and doctor dad. Dancing to music by piano playing dad, and musical theater shows in our kitchen. Baking of cookies and chocolate chip smiles. Silly faces, and slobbery smooches.

I am lucky you see. I have a partner who is the love of my life, my best friend, the person I love to be with the most. WE have been blessed with a beautiful family. It's messy, and tiring, and frustrating and AMAZING. I'm gonna soak in this season, because before I know it, this one will be gone and all we will have is the memories and pictures to remember. So messy house and tiring nights you are all just part of it, and husband who gets me and calms me, I am so glad to do this life with you. To this season, and many more to come.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Going From Four to Five

As of July 23rd, 2014 our family became a family of five. AHHHH, I love it. I prayed and hoped and wished for 3 beautiful healthy children, and god heard my prayers, our prayers. Not right away, and as you know we lost 2 babies, but in his time. We are truly blessed with healthy children, with a beautiful family. Thankful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel, and tired, at this moment very very tired, haha.

 Collin Michael Legris was born at 8:05am on Wednesday. By far the strangest delivery I have had. Not a whimper out of Collin. He didn't cry when he came out, not with a shot, nothing until later in the evening. Could have been the whole c section thing, but I am actually very lucky to have stuck to my guns with c sections. They aren't fun, and they aren't something you just choose to do. Caleb was c section from an emergency. Corinne was very close in age to Caleb, so I didn't have a lot of recovery. This time I was told by my doctor during surgery that my uterus was very, very thin, and he didn't know if we were thinking 4 kids, but my body was done. I felt it. 5 pregnancies, 2 DNC's and 3 c sections, my body is done. The recovery this time feels a lot harder too. But, back to Collin...

  finally got to see him and again, what a perfect little baby. Sweet little face and smile. I love how babies just know as soon as they are placed with their mom. It's a calmness, a bonding. I am so amazingly in love, again. It never gets old, the bonding and love you have for your children. What an perfect love.

Collins weight did go down in the hospital but that's pretty normal, and he's been in for his check up already. Healthy boy! If we could just get him to be happy and sleep at night all would be perfect, ha ha. And yes, we stuck with the C names. It wasn't planned to do that, it just so happens we love these names and they fit our kiddos. Actually it took us 2 full days to decide on his name. It was either Ethan or Collin. Justin is so lucky to have such a wonderful family, and I to have in laws that I adore. Fiona, Justin's sister (and mine) came from TX to watch the kids and be a part of this with us. Caleb and Corinne adore their aunt and she is wonderful with them. Now if we could just get the rest of the family from across the big pond to move closer, haha. Fiona, was a life saver through this.

So now I am looking at the dinner table with such a full heart. Caleb, Corinne, and Collin. The 3 musketeers, years of getting to know them, directing them, loving them, teaching them and always being their parents. That is cool. Thank god for our little family of 5, in my opinion it doesn't get any better than this.